My mom's parents were never in my life.... I met her mom a couple of times....but we never really had a relationship. Her dad was abusive, at least that is what mom said, and I only met him a dozen times at most.
Through the years I lost aunts and uncles, and though some of them were nice people, the love isn't the same as that for a parent. Dad passed away in 1997, and though I was clearly an adult at the time, the reality was I was still just a kid.
1994 until 1998 was the hardest part of my life, the darkest of days. They say it is darkest before the dawn...and that would have to be the day my dad died...I remember that day like it was yesterday, it started off with great possibilities and then came crashing down. I was walking out the door to take my younger brother to a tryout with the Atlanta Braves. The phone was ringing and I almost didn't answer it, but something told me I needed to take the call.
When I answered I was told if I wanted to see my dad alive, I needed to rush to the hospital. Gone was the dream of chasing pro-ball replaced by a mad dash to my father's bedside.
I made it in time to see dad, his last words spoken to me were, "I love you too." His very last words came shortly after, "I'm thirsty" and then rubbing his belly he said, "I'm hurting right here." He didn't pass right away, but I swear it seemed as if his soul left his body.... That was about noon, and over the next 8 hours he would code 3 times.
I was with him when he coded the third time, immediately a team of nurses and 2 doctors were at his side trying to save his life. It was at that moment the child inside of me died and I became a man. I placed a hand on the doctor's shoulder and said, "....let him go."
Hearing my words the team stopped working on my dad, it was 8:12 pm, I became a man....and he passed away. I had felt pain before, but nothing compared to the loss of my dad. Telling the doctors to stop working on him...to just let him go was the hardest thing I have ever done and something I will never forget.
I remember being in Mr. Kursar's 9th grade history class and being asked if we were capable of making a decision about a person's life. I said, "I could do it...." 16 years later I would prove I could really make that decision.
Was it hard? No, it was not hard to let my dad die.... It would have been selfish to make him continue suffering.
Letting my dad go may have been the right thing to do..... That didn't mean it was easy, I never felt more alone than when my dad died. It was a pain that did not lessen in time..... well not until May 23, 2005, the day my boys were born. I could not mention my dad without tearing up and my voice cracking. HIs death devastated me! But somehow the birth of my children released my pain....
I mentioned 1994-98 was a hard time....and then I met Tonya. Life with Tonya hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies (some of them were moths- but they were pretty moths). I may have became a man with the death of my father.....but Tonya's love made me a better man.
Most of you know my mom passed in December of 2025. I was at my mom's bedside when she passed.... Her passing was nothing like my dad's. Mom may have passed just a few months ago, but Dementia took her from us more than a decade ago.
Dementia is a horrible thing, for mom it left nothing but questions, were the things she said true, or a reality twisted by a mind unaware of reality. Was mom always evil.... or was it the dementia? My answer changes depending upon the day.
I have learned a lot growing old, foremost I have come to understand that dark days and death are all part of life. You will feel pain, you will live through dark days and you will taste death at some point. But the joys of life are the reward for suffering through the dark days, the hard times that force you to push yourself just to get out of bed. It truly is darkest before the dawn and the good times outshine any amount of darkness!
1994-98 may have been hard..... but Tonya, Dillon, Logan, Madison, Brody and Cameron all came into my life after the dark days..... The GREATEST of loves and people came with the dawn!
