Now many of you will probably be shocked to learn I have offended a person or two..... If we are being honest, at one time or another I have hurt people, most often with a sharp tongue, a quick wit and the ability to cut you to the bone with words that have left people with PTSD.....
Words have long been my thing..... but not always. I was born without the ability to speak, in basic terms. Our family came from simple farm folk, not to mention being born at a time before specialist or wide spread knowledge was a part of the home town.
I was able to make sounds, but my speech was far from normal, only my parents could understand me and even they could only catch a word here or there. The local doctor (Dad always said he was barely better than a veterinarian) said not to worry. He claimed my speech was poor because I wasn't around other children, once I began school spending time with other children would correct my issues with speech in no time.
I can tell you now dad was correct, the good doctor was an idiot. Because of the doctor's lack of ability and knowledge my struggles continued longer than needed. The issue was a condition known as being tongue-tied. A simple surgery and therapy could have corrected the problem very quickly. However, it was not until I began school the issue was properly diagnosed.
In my second year of school a surgery corrected the physical issue, but it would take years of therapy to correct my speech. Kids can be cruel, don't believe me....then just try being the boy that talks funny..... I was unable to verbally defend myself and for years I endured their verbal abuse.
Their cruelty and rejection brought about my love of words. Make fun of me, reject me.....be prepared to face my wrath of words. Once I could speak....answer back, using the words that had formed and spent years coming to a boil inside my brain I seldom held back, cutting people to their emotional bones. At times creating emotional damage to equal my own......
The trouble with a talent for words is they at times slip out of a man without manors..... or maybe a man with basic humility would surely be smart enough to hold his thoughts to himself, but that skill I lacked. In the past when my words have hurt someone I loved, once the heat of the moment or the anger passed I would of course issue the standard apology.... Why is it a man with the power of words in a time of anger can then find himself powerless to express his regret, to fully say how sorry he is for what has happened and what he did? Even now I have dreams about my past mistakes, nightmares really in which my subconscious replays horrible events. Only now I know what should have taken place, what I must do to prevent the event. The trouble with dreams is they happen deep within the creases of your mind and when you awake the problem was never addressed. No problems were corrected, nor pain erased..... The benefit of a dream is peeking into a window to the past and seeing what could have been..... Of course, the pain returns when reality returns with the rising sun.
I have hurt people in the past....some that never forgave me, others that went to their heavenly reward before we cleared the air..... and yes, a few I couldn't care less about. The ones that hurt are the ones you truly loved, maybe still love, or will love forever but just cannot seem to get over the pain they feel in their heart.
That was an emotional story to write.....but don't feel sorry for me. You see I am a hypocrite! My memory is long, my ability to forgive is slight and my capability to forget is nearly nonexistent..... As much as I want to be forgiven for my misdeeds, I want to hold on to anger...... punish those that have hurt me.
If I were a better man maybe the ability to let go would grow within my heart. Of course if I was a better man maybe the need to forgive another would have never taken place.... So I ask, can you ever forgive me? You don't have to answer......
